My Journey of Becoming a Minister

I have to say its been quite a week.  I started out with this past weekend feeling like I was being led to being a Christian counselor.  You have to be a minister to earn the credentials.  I wondered if this could be me and asked the Lord about it.  I believe I had a sign but first there was persecution.

I started a prayer group a couple of weeks ago.  Well it only took the 2nd outreach to get someone's attention who then went to HR to complain.  Unfortunately,  this person may be a professed Christian.  I am not sure who it is so I must be careful.   I have to say that I was disheartened when I heard the news... we could no longer use the workplace email to send out our list and urgent prayer requests.  I actually felt like I had gotten in trouble and was fearful but I was not about to just let this go because one person complained.  I have many Christians who have signed up to be on the prayer list, 11 so far!

My mind immediately went to work and I drafted up a paper for hand written requests and then sat down and wrote a letter about celebrating our persecution just as the apostle Paul did. I set out on a trip around the office and handed out my letter and broke the news of our persecution.  I then secured home email addresses so that our prayer list can go on. In the process, I picked up another member and I will continue to search for more.  I felt like I had to sneak around.  What an aweful feeling.  But as I experienced other peoples reaction to the news, I no longer felt that I had to sneak but held my head up high and went about my business.

As for the potential for being a clinical Christian counselor?  An old coworker showed up today.  We had a little chat and I told this person how I was in the process of becoming a certified minister. Within minutes they were sharing something with me that they had told no other. We talked back and forth and exchanged ideas.  I shared scripture and gave some suggestions which seemed to work for this person.  I wonder if this was God's way of pointing the way.

Did I tell you I have a group of Christians that I work with?  They are a great group of people.  Struggling like we all are. They are young and old.  Several, in particular, have become quite special to me.

I had given some thought to starting a prayer group.  A group of us praying for each other.  I have to admit, I was quite fearful.  Why?  Well after being sick all this time, the last thing I would need is satan to come at me some more.   Now I know not everything is satan and that God only allows what He wants us to go through.  But our thoughts are not His thoughts and our ways are not His ways.  But I had my concerns.

I finally stepped out and did it this week.  I reached out to co-workers and staff and asked if they would be interesteed.  Most said yes.  So I made up our first prayer request list and handed them out.   Much to my surprise the world did not fall on my head.   I did end up with a tight chest this morning and a peak flow reading 140 less than it should be but it is almost March  and that is my allergy season.   The responses to the prayer list , in some cases , were quite good.  Several thought this would help pull the place together.   In the end,  it was a good thing and something we all need.    Next step... a Bible study!

Wow!  It has been a while.  Sorry for being absent but I have been really sick.  I'm now able to look back and say, man, what is going on?  I think I might have received some answers but now sure.

My heart has been giving me trouble since September.  It loves to throw extra beats.  Sometimes to the tune of every other beat.  My body is not so excited over it.  In fact, it has gotten to the point of being very tired and stressed out.  

Over the past several months, I feel that I have lost so much.  I am no longer able to be on the treadmill.  Heck, I can't even cough without my heart rate going up to 154.  It has happened twice.  I even failed at cardiac rehab.. mostly due to my nerves and the high heart rate.  Everything that I held dear in my work out life is now gone and it is going to be a long road to recover it.

I have to look back and ask..what does God want from me?  What does he want me to learn?  I have been living in fear yet He says He does not give us a spirit of fear.  I have been practically paralyzed with it.  Afraid that my heart will give out or my heart rate will go soaring at any minute.  What kind of life is that to live?  Meanwhile,  if one more person asked anything out of me... I think I am just going to crumble.  I can't take it anymore.

As I look back, God knew I was going to go through it and He aloud it.   This process has made me look at myself and my values.  How deep is my faith?  Apparently not very.  How is my prayer life?  Not very intense.  What do I know about scripture and healing and promises?  Not much.   Maybe I need to get myself settled spiritually and let Him take care of the phyisical because I am sure not doing a good job at it.

It still bothers me on why He would give me such a great missionary field where I work yet I am so sick and now limited (due to fear and an irritated heart).   On Thursday I prayed with two people over problems in their life, gave an ear to hear their concerns, and felt that this is what I am here for.  The day before I had an employee getting ready to leave for a gastro intestinal procedure come to me and this Christian woman and I prayed for her. Mean while, I face struggles of my own and a very nice Christian woman, who is a prn employee, gave me spiritual comfort.   She prayed for me. She held me.  And my tears gushed forth with the words "I am so tired".   

I shared with her that I was in Bible school and how I started it right before my world started crashing down on me in Sept.  She related how her late husband went through the same thing shortly after he started studying for the ministry.  That made me think, maybe God is doing these things, or allowing, to help me find my true beliefs and to lean on Him instead of on me.  Which is my MO and probably why I am so exhausted.   So I have tried to spend this time learning what He wants and learning more about me.

I have changed in areas.  When I am out, I see people struggling and suffering with different things.  I can't believe how many other people are suffering from heart problems. I have also learned to take the time to pray for others and not the constantly "me, me, me".   And I really think He wants me to develop my faith.

I have been to 3 cardiologists now.  My last one this past Friday.   I prayed before going in that it be God's will and to put faith and trust in it.  I arrived early but the doctor was 40 minutes late.  It took some time to get me registered and by this time I had been there over 2 hours.  By the time the doctor came in he complained about how I had talked to the nurse for 45 minutes leaving him only a few minutes to talk to me about "what really mattered" and how he had a waiting room full of people.  Needless to say, it was not turning out like I had hoped but... in the 10 minutes of face time, without being able to share all my information (I had a 7 page typed paper for him)  he was able to identify what the problem probably was and lay out a 3 prong approach to it.   He told me that there were options and he told me I was not crazy (even though I did not ask).  I was somewhat blown away.  But I took what he said and his suggested treatment and have started working on it.  I am believing God.

Today I am on day 2 of increasing my heart med that could make my asthma worse so I am taking the slow approach but I am trusting God.   Over the past months I have been so limited and missed so much.  I have not gone to church for 2 months for fear my heart may "act out".  I finally went last week and my nerves took a front seat but I made it through.  I found out that they had a Saturday class about the Holy Spirit and I missed that due to being sick and today they were having auditions for the praise band.  Another thing I missed due to my medical condition.  I went to one of the praise members asking if they would have them again.  She told me not to worry and to take care of my physical needs first.  Even though there were only minutes between services, she kneeled down, placed her hand on me and prayed for me.  She mentioned palpitations and I had not even said anything.  My tears flowed.   The woman at the reception desk said she had received a message last night and believed it was meant for me too.  Here it is, in case someone else needs this word... Trust:  Taking  Rest   Under   Stressful  Times.   So I will do my best to TRUST and learn what He wants me to learn.

Well, I had put it off long enough.  I think I really had fears to what I was going to learn about the Pentacostal doctrine on the topic of being baptized in the Holy Spirit.  But I sat down today and started back on the class.   I have to say, I am glad I did.  What I read today helped shed my fears about changing from Baptist to Penticostal.   The Holy Spirit is gentle and kind, it does not force itself on you.  The Penticostals also believe that you do not have to be baptizied in the Holy Spirit to be saved.  They do believe that baptizm in the Holy Spirit is available to all Christians.  It is us that need to seek and pray for it. 

I was glad to see that the class went into reasons on why someone may not be filled with the Holy Spirit... fear,  beliefs about it, afraid to surrender.  I could identify with many of these reasons and no doubt are the reasons why I have yet to experience the filling by the Spirit.   It was very much worth the read.

I also felt the Spirit move in me today as I studied.   I felt it tell me that my place would be out in the mission field.  I just felt like I was told that internally.  As I said before, I just know I was being led to start studying for ministry but not for any particular reason or purpose.  Just constantly being drawn to it.   Slowly, things are being revealed and that is fine with me.

I also know that my work is a wonderful mission field in itself and a place to grow spiritually.  I work with Christians and non Christians.  I have opportunities with staff and with patients.  And it definately is growing my fruits of the spirit, though I don't always pass the test.  : )

I can't believe it is already Christmas eve.  This year seems to have flown so fast.  Especially the last 3 months since I have been working.  The sickness has lasted forever and is still not resolved.   I got an antibiotic shot at the doctors and 30 hours later I had chest spasms and could not breathe.  I found myself complaining to God and even doubting Him being there.  Such a poor example I make.  He already knows how I feel. No reason to hide it.  But shortely after confessing that, I laid down in bed and was breathing some better.  I slept well and fairly sound.

Church is having Christmas Eve services but I never go to them.  Honestly,  I just want to sit at home and be with my family.  I just feel that is the right thing to do.  Not off running around or anything like that.  Home... with family.  Together and hopefully safe.

I sent an email out to my friends who had been praying for me about my stress test.  I had been down in the dumps and withdrawing so I had not responded back to those who wrote me.  I was very down at the time and not feeling very positive.  It took days for someone to write back.   Many things went through my mind during that time,  none of them good.   Then surprisingly,  I got a call from an old friend just checking in.  It was on my voice mail. I have no responded back to it yet.  But I was just totally surprised.  Then one of my inner circle friends responded.  I did not think she could say anything to make me feel better, but she did.  It was a very special email.  I still have it.

Then another friend called to check in.   This friend has the weight of the world on her shoulders with her family, sick child, work issues, school, and financial issues.  Yet she called.  Just in time, no doubt.  

But I am still struggling. I think I could use a little Linus and his speech in the Charlie Brown Christmas seen.  But mostly,  I could use a strong dose of God's love and omnipresent presence.  Does He have any idea how hard it is to not be able to touch, see, or hear him?  He sends people and events into our lives all the time yet after the moment,  the touch/sensation is gone.  I know what His Word says.  Yet it is so hard.

I have a confession.  I have not relied on nor have any faith in Christ's judgement or other peoples actions during this sickness.  I have doubted, feared, and made my own path.  I have been sick now with a heart arrythmia for over 15 weeks.  I have had a head cold vs infection for over 16 days.  I have tried an antibiotic and it affected my heart.  Now I have another that I simply look at and am to afraid to take.  I have new heart medicine and I fear that too.

I am tired and worn out. I have no idea which way to turn and frustrated over the care I have received from one of my specialists.  I keep trying to look for answers that will satisfy me.  I have lost the ability to exercise due to this heart problem.  I loved my treadmill.  Now my lungs have tightened and I feel lost.

I have prayed for forgiveness just a few minutes ago.  Its times like this that I feel alone.  I don't like what I am facing and am afraid.

What a day and a week.  I am tired.  Still have my infection.  Did get started on a medicine for my belly.  And my heart monitor friend for the next month arrived. Just in time for me to put it on for my first venture on the treadmill since the "incindent".   I am not excited about that by the way.   In fact, I am down right terrified.   Its going to be bad enough trying a new antibiotic and seeing if it messes with my heart, stomache or produce an allergy.  I am not a happy camper right now.   I have papers all around me (receipts and such),  I have no idea how my finances are and I have nothing good to give my parents for Christmas.  I can say that I feel at a total loss.  I have never been this unplanned for years.  The fear of disappointment looms.

Meanwhile, studies get neglected, I snap at people, and life is chaotic.  But could I have done a right thing.  A friend had a bad circumstance happen to them leaving them no money for food or Christmas.  Even though I am no longer rolling in money and my savings are still dwindling (because I can't keep my self from spending).  I gave them money.  The plan is for them to slowly pay me back after Christmas.  This person had tears in their eyes.  I am thankful to be able to do it but I keep wondering about what happens when I run out of money.  I don't want that to happen because then I can't do those things.  It is very nice being able to do that.  Help people when they need it.   I am going to hold onto the fact that "the Lord will provide".  I am still in amazement everyday when I think of how I can be used where I am.  I don't recall having that opportunity in the past.  I really love it.

My friend came back to check on me at work.  The one who had the massive heart attack.   I found out through talking with him and his experience that he was previously not a Christian.  I had the opportunity to talk to him about it.  He still is not sure.  He says he has prayed but doesn't know if "God accepted it".  I didnt know quite what to say after that.  I had struggled with my own doubts for years.  I told him that God loves everyone and if you prayed that prayer and meant it, that he was forgiven.  But he did not believe me.  I pointed out King David and the life he lead.  My friend heartly agreed that he was not that bad.  I told him that God loved David and that he loved him too.   We talked for a bit more but was interupted 3 times during the conversation.  Talk about Satan trying to butt in, not that the person who was doing it was any sort of demon. 

I hope to keep the conversation open to either relieve his fears or be certain that he is saved.  This is just another way that I am seeing how I should be at my new job.  And also another way to see that I am not prepared for what I am facing.

So it has been a very not so fun week.   I tried the treadmill again and my heart decided to race not once but twice.  I gave in and called the cardiologist.  Next thing I know I am doing a stress test and getting a 24 hour halter monitor.  At the same time, I came down with a head and chest cold/infection.  No wonder after all these weeks of stress with a new job, a mom who's blood pressure has been soaring, and a dog who needed surgery and ended up needing wound care for 7 weeks.

So I did the stress on Friday.  Did not have to stay so that was a very good thing but the arrythmia did not show.  Or at least that I could tell.  I did spend Saturday at church packaging freeze dried meals for the people in Swaziland Aftrica.  I have to say that was so worth it.  It actually stirred my heart and I feel that it could be an area where I am supposed to be helping in.  I will continue to watch and follow and see if it is.  

Imagine,  cold and snowing, sick with a head cold, fresh off the treadmill and with a halter monitor on.  That was me Saturday morning.  But I did it and it was a good thing.  : )

On Sunday I tried an antibiotic and it really got to my stomach and heart.  It was a horrible night.   I felt my heart beating weird all through the night.  Monday morning came and off I went to drop off my heart monitor and told them what happened.  End result,  don't take anymore antibiotic and go see your family doctor.

I have to tell you that by this time I am pretty down trodden and worn out.  I just can't understand why everything is falling apart.  As I sat in my office at work, a gentleman came to visit.  This man had a massive and deadly MI last year.   He survived it, barely.   He just happened to be in one of our doctors offices when it happened.  He came in and sat down and we chatted.  He asked how I was.  He could tell I was not my best and we had a chance to talk for quite a while about my health, his and how we were both feeling.   I needed that talk.  I really did.  He said he would check on me the next day after my family doctor appt. 

Thanks Lord.  I really needed to talk with him. Little did I know you had another plan.

Today was not a great day.  I thought it would be.  I jumped on the treadmill and then it happened.  My heart did something it has never done.  It decided to take off on its own. Up to 160 it went.  I stopped the mill but it continued to rise.  Needless to say, my adrenaline fired which did not help but surprisingly did not seem to hurt anything.  I sat down and thumped my chest and nothing.  Then I coughed and it finally stopped its foolishness and slowed quite quickly.   Evident that something happened. 

I did google and found IST and SNRT.  Both atrial disorders.  Also found out atrial disorders are common with people who have lung disease.  Don't know what will happen next:  electrophysiological studies vs. meds.  But either way,  I am feeling pretty mortal and like I may not be here long.  I can't wait to get back on the treadmill again.. NOT.  But I will have to. Other wise I will lose all I have fought for on that.  And I have lost enough already with my health.

I did stay home from church.  Did not want to risk anything so soon after it happening.  Turned out I ended up giving my own sermon to my folks upstairs.  Wasn't planned but it just happened.  I had a chance to refresh my folks on Jesus, believing He is the Son of God and that He died and rose from the grave, and our behaviors.  Wow.  Can't believe I really had that opportunity.  Hope it is what God wanted and enough to stir their hearts.

Exhausted!  That is exactly what I was.  I was also ill equipped.  Maybe I should not say that since it is supposed to be God's will in action but I could have really used some practice sessions and other equipment.

I went to church that day and stayed until time for training.  They went over a booklet with us.  The plan was for the receivers of baskets to go through a 15 minute class about Jesus then we would take them, one by one or family by family, and sit down with them for a few minutes to re-affirm what they heard. Then we took them to get their food and escorted them to their car.

The first time through I went with a friend.  These people were Christians so it was easy peasy.  Then I went out on my own.  This is where it gets uncomfortable.  The receiver of the food was actually a Christian but her young neice was not.  I had no literature that was appropriate for someone her age.  I tried to reach her but could not.  This is where faith comes in.  I have to lean on the understanding that it is God who brings them to Him, we simply are vessels and plant the seeds. 

That was my roughest.  Every one else said they were Christians.  But it was also very tiring.  After just 2 times around I was worn out.   And the pastor did three sermons and stood outside for over 4 hours meeting people and handing out Christmas service invitations. Amazing.

So I have a new job that I have been at for 7 weeks now.  I have an old school friend who asked if we needed a cpr class that he could teach.  I put myself out on a line and get the class for him.  He has 10 students at $40 a pop.  That is $400 for only 3 hours work.  When it comes time to pay him, he refuses to give us his social security number for the 1099.  When I asked him why, he said that people steal those numbers.  Now keep in mind I work at a doctors office where we store over 5000 patient charts and employee numbers. 

I tried to explain this and he gets irate saying "I'll just hold their cards till they pay me!".  Needless to say, I am very angry about this.  So I go and talk to the person in accounting who, out of a favor to me, says she will go ahead and pay.  That still does not solve the problem of his attitude.  I am going to wait and see if the people get their cards and then go from there.

It is very hard to forgive at this moment.  I do know that I don't need people in my life that are going to treat me this way and take advantage of me.  That I do have a say about.  I mean really?

Work break is coming soon.  Will share my experience helping out with the Thanksgiving baskets at church.  What a ministry that is!

Got details on my next outreach... helping pack 300,000 freeze dried meals for Swaziland, Africa!

More to come soon.  Now off to get ready for work!!

Its been another long week.  The new job is really wearing me out.  By Friday I had doubts on how I could ever be civilized to anyone.  Then to top it off, I left my cell at home.  I drove home at lunch to get it.  What did we do in the days when we didn't have cell phones?  I can't even imagine one day now without it.

So here I sit on the eve of my church's ministry event on Sunday.  Dead tired from doing laundry and other things instead of resting or studying. I am somewhat nervous but trying not to let it get to me.  Trying to remind myself that it will not be me tomorrow but God showing up and out.  And desparately trying to tell myself that what ever happens is God's will and plan.

I will show up, receive my training and head out into the mission field.  What ever happens from there is all God's.

So now we are back at the almost beginning.  What was it like?  AWESOME!

I was so scared.  I had been having heart palpitations for weeks and they decided to increase,  my mothers blood pressure was very high and I was in a new job that was stressing me to the max.  It was only through the Holy Spirit and sheer will that I got to church that day. But it was all worth it.

Previous practice was to baptize at the beginning of the service.  So I was ready.  I found the location and another person who was getting baptized.  A young man of 17, tall and pleasant personality.  He was nervous too.  Then we found out that they would be baptizing at the end of the service.  Tension mounted. We were taken around to where we would get our robes and instructed on how to stand.  As we were standing there the pastor came out.  He looked at me and his eyes grew wide.  I had to chuckle to myself wondering what he thought but he was gentle and then prayed with all of us.  The young man kindly put his arms around all of us and we formed a circle.  A very precious circle.

After our orientation we went into the service until it was our time.  Meanwhile my heart was pounding irregulary.  But we praised and worshipped.   Then it was time.  We put on our robes and stood in line.  We had great support, a woman and a man that stood and directed us.  By this time I was light headed so I sat with the man until it came time.  I told them, no matter what, make sure I get into that water.  I had come to far and was not going to back out now.

It was finally time.  The door was opened and I was the first.  I was ushered out where I walked into the tub. I had support the entire way.  I remembered the instructions and when the discipleship pastor said "in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit" down I went.  I remember the going down in the water very well. The water covering me entirely and then coming up.  I believed I let out a whoop for joy.  I did it!  I went down in the water for God.

It raged inside me for over a week.  Did I mean it or not. I was looking for signs, checking out scripture, going to web sites like GotGod.org, and listening for meaning in thoughts and songs.  I prayed and prayed over and over again.  I finally made the decision to be baptized (as an adult) several weeks later.  I was terrified.  I thought for sure the sky would part and lightening would strike both myself and the pastor. But nothing happened.  It was not the joyous day I had anticipated. Just one filled with doubt and fear.

I went on my way, became active in ministry and eventually burned out.  I left disillusioned.  A former friend had spoken of a church she was attending so I went there.  It was so much different.  People praised openly, raising their hands to God.  People seemed happy and not conformed.  It was there I felt the urge to pray that prayer again and I did.  I felt happiness inside.  Tears streamed down my face as I told the pastor.  I wanted to get baptized again but felt guilty so I put it off.  A wrong thing to do.

I went for years with the struggle of whether to be baptized.  I worried about how it would look to God, the church, and people who knew me.  I constantly doubted my salvation.  I prayed the prayer of salvation over and over. In the end, I was worried about how I would look to everyone.  What a human thing to do.

Finally after 7 years (give or take) I made the decision.  I was going to get baptized again.

The next couple of months were really dark for me. I was angry and hurting.  I visited churches here and there. I finally landed on a church that my mother went to back in the late 60's and ironically I went to day care there.  I met with the pastor who tried desparately to commit to Jesus.  But I was hurting and needed someone to talk to.  I tried talking to the pastor but eventually I was turned away.  Hurting and confused, I said yes to Jesus.  I don't know what my heart was truely saying but I do know that shortly after I prayed that prayer I felt condemned with guilt and had thoughts flying at me from front, left and right saying that I obviously did not mean what I said and that I had made a mistake.  I went to bed very early and covered myself up.  In the morning I felt like I had been hit by a mac truck, literally.

I was supposed to get baptized that upcoming Sunday.  But how could I? 

Sport was gone just a couple of days.  I felt numb.  The journey of caring for him in his final days was tremendous.  The battle ended on a Thursday.  It was now Sunday night and we sat in the family room watching TV.  During a break, mom and dad both left to go to the bathroom.  I sat alone in the family room.  The day had been picture perfect, no clouds in the sky, and calm. 

As I sat there I felt an over whelming flood of grief surface.  I began to cry and sob deeply.  At almost the same time rain poured out of the sky.  It was coming down in droves very loudly.  I thought at first it was Sport saying how sad he was too to be gone.  Then my thoughts switched to God and how he must be telling me how sad He was too. 

It stopped as quickly as it came and no more rain followed. That is what started me back on my path to Jesus.

So why was this so important to me?  What a story and its starts a long time ago.  As a child, I went to a baptist church. It was not a great experience for me.  My biological father was the minister of music.  I was out of control.  I was sick a lot due to having asthma and allergies and spent a lot of time in the hospital growing up.  The end result was a spoiled child who was over weight.  Now a days, I would be considered in the "in crowd" when it came to being a fat kid.  But not back then. 

I had very few friends at church.  There was one girl in particular that I was friends with.  We had the same birthday, shared the same Sunday school class and we got a long. 

I found out she was getting baptized.  I had no idea what that was so I asked my mom.  She asked me if I believed in Jesus and I said yes and then the next thing you know, my friend and I were getting baptized at the same time.  As far as I could remember, it was an exciting time.  I have no clue if my heart was in the right place but I would imagine for a child, it was what I was capable at for the time.

Then things turned bad.  My biological father had an affair with a woman who not only worked for him but also went to church where we did.  It was a scandalous thing back in the 70's.  Divorce was serious back then.  So my family left the church and never returned.  From time to time I would think about God and the idea of going to church but that faded along with my beliefs. The millenium terrified me and made me physically ill.  I actually thought we were all going to die and that was going to be the end of life.  But the millenium came and went and we all survived.  I literally sat and watched the TV and all the countries strike 12 one after another.

Then tragedy struck.  My 16 1/2 year old dog had a seizure late at night.  It started my path back to Jesus.  I remember watching him lay lifeless in my bed and talking to Jesus saying "its coming time isn't it".  He was kind to give the warning.   The diagnosis was cancer.  We could do surgery but there was no guarentee.  The doc said it seemed to be a "fast mover".  We had anywhere from 3-6 months.  This was in November.  It was a somber Christmas.  We took him down to Tennessee to see my grandparents one last time and then he quickly progressed downward from there.  We made the heart wrenching decision to put him to rest the day after Valentine's day.  That was 8 1/2 years ago and my heart still aches.

I have been employed now for 5 weeks.  The story on that to come later.  It has the potential to be quite a ministry field.  But I am exhausted.  This week I had the opportunity to work with another Christian who wants to be an minister as well.  I had to talk to her about her response to a suggestion.   A response that was vocal in front of a doctor.  Not the reaction I expected out of someone who wants to be a minister and in managment.  So the next day we had a conversation.  Total denial was the response.  I then turned it into a learning experience explaining how our reactions can turn others off and so on.  I don't know if it truly got through.  All I could do is plant the seed.

I also found out later this week that I will have a wonderful opportunity coming up.  I signed up to help with Thanksgiving baskets at the church.  The goal is to serve 1800+ baskets.  I marked 3 positions that I would like to help with: door greeter,  registration, and guest host (they go around with the person or family and help them gather their basket, they then share the gospel).  I left it in God's hands on what task He wanted me to do.  Well I got word today,  I will be a guest host.  I will actually have the chance to minister to people.  My soul inside leaped!  Now I fully know that I may be terrified come that day but I am leaning on Jesus.